Sitting here again (wasting time) and thinking about the idea of dreams. I am in a situation at the moment where I am being forced to think about what I want from my life. When I was in a long-term relationship, my notion of what I wanted from my future was coloured by what people, including my partner, expected of my future. I have never really been a dreamer, rather quite practical and I like to deal with problems and issues as they arise. However for the first time in my life I feel as though I am expected to have an idea of what I want from my future, and I can’t say that I have any. Is that a bad admission to make? I feel as though people are congratulating me for being brave and following my heart and encouraging me to follow my dreams, but I don’t think that I really have any dreams. Do I need to have a definite notion of what I want out of life?
When I think of the notion of a dream I think of something that is all encompassing, something that you strive for against the odds, something that makes you motivated to achieve. I think that I have short term goals, but not anything that I would classify as a dream, and I am feeling a distinct lack of motivation at the moment. Do I need a dream or something to work towards to spur me on? I think that I have always wanted to go back to uni and do my honours, then eventually a PhD. I don’t know why, just think that I have always wanted to. Is this a dream or do I need to have a deep seated motivation that is driving me?
Maybe you don’t need dreams to be a successful person and to be happy. Maybe it is enough that I try in my everyday life to do the best that I can in all aspects of my life. Maybe for me the dream is simply to constantly challenge myself and to rise to the challenge in the best way that I know how. Maybe I don’t need some all encompassing dream to spur me on other than the need to feel fulfilled in what I do. At the moment my career is providing me with that challenge and that sense of fulfilment and maybe this blog has just helped me come to a conclusion about whether or not to go back to study next year. I think that if the only thing that I am certain about at the moment is that I would eventually like to go back and study then what am I waiting for?
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Monday, July 11, 2005
The problem of professional relationships
Relationships at work are a funny thing. And I have quite a few at the moment that are having differing impacts on my life. I have 2 best friends at work; one who I regularly avoid so that it does not seem that we are spending too much time together, and another who has become my very best friend and confidante, but who is having this semester off to travel overseas. I feel as though I will be losing my best friend at work and that I will be losing a part of the reason that I enjoy getting up in the morning and coming to school – spending time with her. I guess in the last couple of months school has become more social for me, largely because what is going on in my personal life means that I need more support, and my friends at work are the ones that are there for me more than 8 hours a day, at least 5 days a week.
But relationships at work can be problematic too. Professional relationships are not always based on wanting to work together, but rather having to work together and the need to get along in order to get the job done. One of my professional relationships is causing me a lot of stress this year and I know that there are many different reasons for this. Firstly, the colleague in question is new to the school and is trying to work out her place in the grand scheme of a new school and is doing some adjusting to the different ways that things work. Secondly, we are very different in both ideology, background and attitude, and this makes it difficult to agree on how we will teach our content and on planning and designing SACs. Thirdly, the issues that I am trying to deal with at the moment at home have made me retreat somewhat at school, and I prefer to keep to myself and try to get my job done with minimal fuss and interaction. In short, a lot of the issues are coming from the fact that I just don’t have the energy at the moment left over after dealing with all the other complications in my life to deal with issues at school. Another large part of the problem is that as this subject is new for me this year, and the colleague that I am teaching with is so different to me, I am not getting the support in terms of content and teaching that I feel that I need. The subject is largely content based and it is a content that I am learning almost from scratch. And it is becoming an issue. The situation has been playing on my mind to the point that I am considering seriously what I would like to teach next year, and am considering giving up the subject that I teach with this colleague and taking up another at the same year level just to get myself out of the situation. I know that in this other subject I will get a lot more support, there are more teachers who are teaching it who I can go to for advice and support and my KLA manager tried desperately to get me to teach it this year so I know that he would support me changing next year. The problem though, if I decided to change subjects next year is that I will lose a whole year of content and planning and subject knowledge. I will lose the experience that I had this year and the ability to reflect, reshape and reform my teaching of the subject next year. It seems a shame to effectively waste a year of content and learning, but is it better to pursue the subject to the detriment of my happiness at work, or should I take the option that will be better me in terms of enjoying my school life? Although this is not a decision that I need to be making anytime soon, it is a decision that is playing on my mind, something that is worrying me and that I am thinking about now, so I thought that I would put it out there for discussion and get some ideas on what to do or that by posting about it I might gain some perspective myself. Will see which one…
Professional relationships – take 2
I guess that there is some more information that really should be added to the original relationships blog – a complication I guess. I think that some of my problems with teaching this subject with the difficult colleague is the fact that I am a perfectionist and that I don’t think that I am doing the best job that I could be. I know that I am doing the best job that I can manage at the moment, but I feel that the other teacher has a more sound subject knowledge than I do (something that comes with time, I know) and that her class is going to do better than mine at the end of the year (which may or may not be to do with the calibre of her student and not my teaching). I feel like the lack of support that I am getting and the lack of someone there to guide me and to encourage me has left me feeling a little out on a limb and a little unsure of what it is that I am doing. In some ways this year I am re-inventing the wheel with this subject as the study design has changed and so the course is different this year to last year. Is my desire to leave this subject behind and take on something different that might be more personally satisfying and that might offer me a more supportive environment really just another way of me trying to avoid dealing with issues?
But relationships at work can be problematic too. Professional relationships are not always based on wanting to work together, but rather having to work together and the need to get along in order to get the job done. One of my professional relationships is causing me a lot of stress this year and I know that there are many different reasons for this. Firstly, the colleague in question is new to the school and is trying to work out her place in the grand scheme of a new school and is doing some adjusting to the different ways that things work. Secondly, we are very different in both ideology, background and attitude, and this makes it difficult to agree on how we will teach our content and on planning and designing SACs. Thirdly, the issues that I am trying to deal with at the moment at home have made me retreat somewhat at school, and I prefer to keep to myself and try to get my job done with minimal fuss and interaction. In short, a lot of the issues are coming from the fact that I just don’t have the energy at the moment left over after dealing with all the other complications in my life to deal with issues at school. Another large part of the problem is that as this subject is new for me this year, and the colleague that I am teaching with is so different to me, I am not getting the support in terms of content and teaching that I feel that I need. The subject is largely content based and it is a content that I am learning almost from scratch. And it is becoming an issue. The situation has been playing on my mind to the point that I am considering seriously what I would like to teach next year, and am considering giving up the subject that I teach with this colleague and taking up another at the same year level just to get myself out of the situation. I know that in this other subject I will get a lot more support, there are more teachers who are teaching it who I can go to for advice and support and my KLA manager tried desperately to get me to teach it this year so I know that he would support me changing next year. The problem though, if I decided to change subjects next year is that I will lose a whole year of content and planning and subject knowledge. I will lose the experience that I had this year and the ability to reflect, reshape and reform my teaching of the subject next year. It seems a shame to effectively waste a year of content and learning, but is it better to pursue the subject to the detriment of my happiness at work, or should I take the option that will be better me in terms of enjoying my school life? Although this is not a decision that I need to be making anytime soon, it is a decision that is playing on my mind, something that is worrying me and that I am thinking about now, so I thought that I would put it out there for discussion and get some ideas on what to do or that by posting about it I might gain some perspective myself. Will see which one…
Professional relationships – take 2
I guess that there is some more information that really should be added to the original relationships blog – a complication I guess. I think that some of my problems with teaching this subject with the difficult colleague is the fact that I am a perfectionist and that I don’t think that I am doing the best job that I could be. I know that I am doing the best job that I can manage at the moment, but I feel that the other teacher has a more sound subject knowledge than I do (something that comes with time, I know) and that her class is going to do better than mine at the end of the year (which may or may not be to do with the calibre of her student and not my teaching). I feel like the lack of support that I am getting and the lack of someone there to guide me and to encourage me has left me feeling a little out on a limb and a little unsure of what it is that I am doing. In some ways this year I am re-inventing the wheel with this subject as the study design has changed and so the course is different this year to last year. Is my desire to leave this subject behind and take on something different that might be more personally satisfying and that might offer me a more supportive environment really just another way of me trying to avoid dealing with issues?
Monday, July 04, 2005
The following is an experiment. It is a joint blog, written by both myself (in the normal font) and my Queensland best friend, K, in the italicised font). I started the blog from a random thought in my head and where it ended was a fair way from where it began.
High school seems like a very long time ago to me and I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing considering that I am a teacher. Whenever I get together with my best friend from Queensland (who I have been friends with since year 10) we inevitably start to reminisce about things that happened at school or people that we remember. Generally I remember the people and the teachers, but I do not often remember the events and so usually these discussions remind me of things that I had long buried in my mind. I loved high school – everything about it. I loved the social side of school – spending ridiculous amounts of time with your friends – often more time than you spent at home with your family. I loved the challenge of school work and the feeling that you got when you solved a difficult problem or wrote the perfect essay (now I am kidding myself that there is such a thing) or finally understood something that had been baffling you for a long time. I loved the different personalities of my teachers, and I used to study them during class, spending so much time watching and listening to them that even the grumpy teachers or the shit ones or the ones who had no control over the class still managed to win their way into my good books.
In this I think we get to see the birth of Darce the teacher.
I also loved high school towards the end (and only towards the end) but for very different reasons. For me, in the beginning high school was a threatening and challenging place. It took me a long while to form friendships and to find my place. In fact it pretty much took me until year 12. This is why I was loving high school at the end and why I did not want to leave it. I had finally found my place, worked out where I fitted in the grand scheme of things and had decided that the ‘popular’ girls were actually no better off than I was. I think I can see both sides of the argument, I understand those who loved high school and never wanted to leave and I feel the pain of the others who never did find their place, who still feel victimized by their experiences and who would never go back there under any circumstances.
It is funny really. Funny how two best friends can have such a totally different experience of school. Funny but not surprising. I can remember my first day of high school , but for me it was a fairly easy transition – there were other people from my primary school in all of my classes and it did not take me long to make new friends. But I could always see that intimidation that people felt at the hands of the ‘popular girls’ those that we dubbed ‘california’ girls; the blonde, bimbo surfie type that sought out validation in all of the wrong places because they were actually really insecure. The type of person who puts down the ‘lesser’ of us out there in order to make themselves feel bigger and better. I was happy at school avoiding this type of person and making friends with everyone. I don’t now, and never did believe in being nasty to anyone and so I generally got along with everyone in the best way that I could.
I sometimes wonder how much of the ‘California girls’ nastiness was imagined and how much of it was real. But in this, I guess we also see the birth of K the Psychologist and the true meaning of popularity. You see, part of the reason that I realized that the ‘California girls’ were a farce was the fact that I could see Darce’s genuine popularity. It is something that I think likely still exists today and is something that Darce is blissfully ignorant of. People genuinely warmed to her and would stop to listen should she speak. She was well respected and well liked and never in my time as her best friend have I ever witnessed anyone be mad at her or bitch about her behind her back. It is sobering just how powerful the influence of high school can be on people’s lives.
It is also amusing to me to be told that no-one (to K’s knowledge) ever bitched about me behind my back because these days I seemed to be overly preoccupied with what people think about me (or what I think they think about me) and whilst I can see that this preoccupation is a waste of energy and perhaps even self-obsession, it is difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that generally people don’t really give a shit about the decisions you make (so long as they have no negative impact on others) and that perfect is a state of the imagination, not a real or attainable place. I used to be quite content in the knowledge that I was a good person and that people liked me, but I find myself questioning myself more now than I ever did before. Is it the increased scrutiny (or the feeling of increased scrutiny) that comes with having over 100 people watching you each day for 45 minutes each? Am I just a little more self-obsessed than I used to be?
There are two things that I want to point out here;
All people are inevitably self-obsessed. We actually aren’t given the gift of anyone else’s perspective therefore we are terminally doomed to only see things from inside our own heads. Often what this means is that people spend more time thinking about themselves and things that effect them than they do thinking about anyone else. Is this a bad thing? NO. It most definitely is not. It just means that often when we think that people are talking about us they aren’t even thinking about us at all and this in turn gives us an excellent reason to be a little less paranoid.
Given that Darce can only see things from inside her own head, the scrutiny and judgment from other people that she is concerned about is also occurring inside her own head. She has no firm idea whether people are actually talking about her and if they are even what they are saying. Does it even matter? Should our self worth be defined by others as it was for the ‘California’ girls or should our self worth be defined by ourselves?
Given this, I would then like to pose the following alternate hypothesis. That it is not other people who are creating this insecurity and anxiety but rather, Darce’s own insecurity regarding the extremely difficult choices she has had to make lately. It is only natural that after having to make such drastic changes to her life she would wonder if she did the right thing, if she has the ability to make sound decisions and if it was maybe something she did that lead to this situation.
True. The situation that I am in at the moment has made me more insecure because for the first time in my life I do worry about what people think because I do not have the security of going home to a partner who loves me and does not care about what other people think. Judging myself more harshly than anybody else does has always been something that I have been guilty of. So the main aim for me at the moment is to get myself to a stage where I am secure in myself and happy with myself. Perhaps that will take a healthy dose of self-obsession!
High school seems like a very long time ago to me and I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing considering that I am a teacher. Whenever I get together with my best friend from Queensland (who I have been friends with since year 10) we inevitably start to reminisce about things that happened at school or people that we remember. Generally I remember the people and the teachers, but I do not often remember the events and so usually these discussions remind me of things that I had long buried in my mind. I loved high school – everything about it. I loved the social side of school – spending ridiculous amounts of time with your friends – often more time than you spent at home with your family. I loved the challenge of school work and the feeling that you got when you solved a difficult problem or wrote the perfect essay (now I am kidding myself that there is such a thing) or finally understood something that had been baffling you for a long time. I loved the different personalities of my teachers, and I used to study them during class, spending so much time watching and listening to them that even the grumpy teachers or the shit ones or the ones who had no control over the class still managed to win their way into my good books.
In this I think we get to see the birth of Darce the teacher.
I also loved high school towards the end (and only towards the end) but for very different reasons. For me, in the beginning high school was a threatening and challenging place. It took me a long while to form friendships and to find my place. In fact it pretty much took me until year 12. This is why I was loving high school at the end and why I did not want to leave it. I had finally found my place, worked out where I fitted in the grand scheme of things and had decided that the ‘popular’ girls were actually no better off than I was. I think I can see both sides of the argument, I understand those who loved high school and never wanted to leave and I feel the pain of the others who never did find their place, who still feel victimized by their experiences and who would never go back there under any circumstances.
It is funny really. Funny how two best friends can have such a totally different experience of school. Funny but not surprising. I can remember my first day of high school , but for me it was a fairly easy transition – there were other people from my primary school in all of my classes and it did not take me long to make new friends. But I could always see that intimidation that people felt at the hands of the ‘popular girls’ those that we dubbed ‘california’ girls; the blonde, bimbo surfie type that sought out validation in all of the wrong places because they were actually really insecure. The type of person who puts down the ‘lesser’ of us out there in order to make themselves feel bigger and better. I was happy at school avoiding this type of person and making friends with everyone. I don’t now, and never did believe in being nasty to anyone and so I generally got along with everyone in the best way that I could.
I sometimes wonder how much of the ‘California girls’ nastiness was imagined and how much of it was real. But in this, I guess we also see the birth of K the Psychologist and the true meaning of popularity. You see, part of the reason that I realized that the ‘California girls’ were a farce was the fact that I could see Darce’s genuine popularity. It is something that I think likely still exists today and is something that Darce is blissfully ignorant of. People genuinely warmed to her and would stop to listen should she speak. She was well respected and well liked and never in my time as her best friend have I ever witnessed anyone be mad at her or bitch about her behind her back. It is sobering just how powerful the influence of high school can be on people’s lives.
It is also amusing to me to be told that no-one (to K’s knowledge) ever bitched about me behind my back because these days I seemed to be overly preoccupied with what people think about me (or what I think they think about me) and whilst I can see that this preoccupation is a waste of energy and perhaps even self-obsession, it is difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that generally people don’t really give a shit about the decisions you make (so long as they have no negative impact on others) and that perfect is a state of the imagination, not a real or attainable place. I used to be quite content in the knowledge that I was a good person and that people liked me, but I find myself questioning myself more now than I ever did before. Is it the increased scrutiny (or the feeling of increased scrutiny) that comes with having over 100 people watching you each day for 45 minutes each? Am I just a little more self-obsessed than I used to be?
There are two things that I want to point out here;
All people are inevitably self-obsessed. We actually aren’t given the gift of anyone else’s perspective therefore we are terminally doomed to only see things from inside our own heads. Often what this means is that people spend more time thinking about themselves and things that effect them than they do thinking about anyone else. Is this a bad thing? NO. It most definitely is not. It just means that often when we think that people are talking about us they aren’t even thinking about us at all and this in turn gives us an excellent reason to be a little less paranoid.
Given that Darce can only see things from inside her own head, the scrutiny and judgment from other people that she is concerned about is also occurring inside her own head. She has no firm idea whether people are actually talking about her and if they are even what they are saying. Does it even matter? Should our self worth be defined by others as it was for the ‘California’ girls or should our self worth be defined by ourselves?
Given this, I would then like to pose the following alternate hypothesis. That it is not other people who are creating this insecurity and anxiety but rather, Darce’s own insecurity regarding the extremely difficult choices she has had to make lately. It is only natural that after having to make such drastic changes to her life she would wonder if she did the right thing, if she has the ability to make sound decisions and if it was maybe something she did that lead to this situation.
True. The situation that I am in at the moment has made me more insecure because for the first time in my life I do worry about what people think because I do not have the security of going home to a partner who loves me and does not care about what other people think. Judging myself more harshly than anybody else does has always been something that I have been guilty of. So the main aim for me at the moment is to get myself to a stage where I am secure in myself and happy with myself. Perhaps that will take a healthy dose of self-obsession!
An explanation I think...
Firstly I would like to say - "Thank goodness for best friends!" Then I think that I would like to explain what prompted the last blog that I posted. I guess I hadn't really thought about what this holiday to Queensland would be like or what it would mean to me. I just planned it (sort of last minute as I tend to do) and got on the plane to come up here, without much of a preconceived idea of what I expected or of what I would get out of the trip. I guess I just thought that this holiday would be like any other that I had spent up here. I would get to spend some quality time with my best friend, catching up on gossip and talking about the last couple of months, I would get to meet her new boyfriend whom I have heard so much about and I would get to catch up with her family who generally I get along with really well. I don't think that either of us had really counted on the emotional baggage that we were both bringing to the trip this time. I had thought that I was dealing with my breakup really well when it turns out that i was just avoiding the issues and it all came crashing down on me when I got up here. She is dealing with her parents break-up and the feeling that she has lost her whole family now that her Dad has gone. Neither of us had realised the amount of emotional support that we were going to need from each other, and the first two days involved the two of us trying to work out how to get back into the groove that we have always had so effortlessly before. I guess that I felt like when I got up here my support network was suddenly gone - the support network that has been doing such a good job supporting me that I have been able to really avoid dealing with my break-up issues. I felt like I just wanted to crawl back into my unit in Melbourne, even if it was by myself so that I was back where I felt safe and where there were enough distractions to stop me from thinking so much. In some ways the honesty of my relationship with my qld friend meant that I knew that I would not be able to avoid the things that were bothering me because she is so insightful that she practically reads my mind. I tried to work out some way to escape, including trying to organise a ridiculous spontaneous road-trip, but as best friends do, she saw right through me and pulled me up on my avoidance tactics.
One of the things that I found so difficult when I got here was the different atmosphere in the house with my best friends father gone. Whereas the house used to be fun and happy, I walked in to an oppressive situation where my best friend is treated almost like a modern-day Cinderella; biting her tongue whilst the others gang up on her and expect the world from her. I had no idea of the awful situation that she was dealing with because often all of her issues are dealt with internally and she rarely asks for help and support. I guess that neither of us actually realised that we needed support until we were looking at each other and trying to work out what the hell the other one was thinking.
I will conclude by saying that despite the fact that I initially felt like I wanted to run away screaming from this holiday, it was never because I didn’t want to spend time with my best friend, rather because I did not know how to deal with the issues that suddenly hit me, or her issues, which seemed so much worse than mine. But in the way that we always have, we both found a way to get through to the other and to be there for each other. She has helped me to see what I was doing to try and avoid my issues at home, and helped me with ideas on how to deal with the things in my life that I need to reflect on. Whilst I haven’t been able to offer her any solutions to her problems, I have tried to give her the support she needs, and hopefully have eased her burden a little bit. The best thing that this holiday has given me is the reassurance of something I already knew; that despite the fact that we live hundreds of kilometres away from each other, we will always find a way to be there for each other when it matters most.
One of the things that I found so difficult when I got here was the different atmosphere in the house with my best friends father gone. Whereas the house used to be fun and happy, I walked in to an oppressive situation where my best friend is treated almost like a modern-day Cinderella; biting her tongue whilst the others gang up on her and expect the world from her. I had no idea of the awful situation that she was dealing with because often all of her issues are dealt with internally and she rarely asks for help and support. I guess that neither of us actually realised that we needed support until we were looking at each other and trying to work out what the hell the other one was thinking.
I will conclude by saying that despite the fact that I initially felt like I wanted to run away screaming from this holiday, it was never because I didn’t want to spend time with my best friend, rather because I did not know how to deal with the issues that suddenly hit me, or her issues, which seemed so much worse than mine. But in the way that we always have, we both found a way to get through to the other and to be there for each other. She has helped me to see what I was doing to try and avoid my issues at home, and helped me with ideas on how to deal with the things in my life that I need to reflect on. Whilst I haven’t been able to offer her any solutions to her problems, I have tried to give her the support she needs, and hopefully have eased her burden a little bit. The best thing that this holiday has given me is the reassurance of something I already knew; that despite the fact that we live hundreds of kilometres away from each other, we will always find a way to be there for each other when it matters most.
Friday, July 01, 2005
Maybe this will help...
Sitting here with a million conflicting thoughts and I am not really sure what it is that I want to write about anyway. Maybe I will begin by posing some questions.
Why is the weather so bad in Queensland when it is supposed to be beautiful one day and perfect the next?
Why am I so self-obsessed at the moment?
Why do I feel like now that I am in Queensland, spending time with my best friend, that I would rather be at home?
Why do I suddenly feel so disconnected?
Next task I guess is to try to answer the questions.
Why is the weather so bad in Queensland when it is supposed to be beautiful one day and perfect the next?
I guess that I had unrealistic expectations of the weather up here. Was kinda hoping that (despite the fact that it is the middle of winter) the weather up here would be a happy 22 and sunny everyday. I really am just dying to feel the sun on my face again and some heat in my body. At the moment, it doesn't seem as though that is going to happen.
Why am I so self-obsessed at the moment?
I feel like I am incapable of having a conversation that does not revolve around me. Perhaps that is just because I have not seen my best friend for such a long time and that so much has happened since we last saw each other that I have a lot to share. Perhaps I have suddenly become boring and have nothing interesting to talk about? Whatever the reason, I feel that I am sick of talking about me and because we both have shit going on in our lives at the moment it is a little depressing. Why do I not have anything else to talk about?
Why do I feel like now that I am in Queensland, spending time with my best friend, that I would rather be at home?
For some reason, now that I am finally on this holiday that promised to be so relaxing and exactly what I needed, I just keep thinking about things at home and wishing that I was there. I don't know why. Although I am loving spending time with my best friend and her boyfriend (who seems lovely and so good to/for her) my thoughts are at home and I am feeling a little bit disconnected. My brain seems to be working overtime thinking about irrelevant things at home. I am also wishing that she could meet all of my friends, see my new place, and be involved in my new life. I guess that coming up here has reinforced to me how much I miss having my best friend in my life and closely connected with my day-to-day life as she used to be. It is making me think back to the uncomplicated days when we lived 15mins away from each other and could share everything immediately. Can spending time with a person make you miss them more acutely even though they are right beside you?
Why do I suddenly feel so disconnected?
I don't know why, but I suddenly feel so disconnected. Maybe I am under a lot more emotional strain than I realised and the pressure of being out of my environment and so far away is actually making me less relaxed and more fretful about life. On one hand it is great to be able to share what I am feeling with someone who knows me so well and gives such great advice but on the other hand I wish that I could get my self out of this fuzzy-headed daze I seem to be in and reconnect with her on a more fun and funny level like I used to. I don't feel like a very good friend at the moment. Maybe I am incapable of giving like I used to and so this is changing the dynamic of the relationship. Although I don't think that it is the relationship that is changing, I think that it is me who has (hopefully temporarily) changed and at the moment I am a little removed from everything and a little distant. I feel like my brain is working overtime - overanalysing everything, all that is said and done between me and the world and all the things that have happened in the last 3 months. When will I be able to reclaim my brain and get on with life the way I used to? Why must everything be so analytical with me all the time?
Why is the weather so bad in Queensland when it is supposed to be beautiful one day and perfect the next?
Why am I so self-obsessed at the moment?
Why do I feel like now that I am in Queensland, spending time with my best friend, that I would rather be at home?
Why do I suddenly feel so disconnected?
Next task I guess is to try to answer the questions.
Why is the weather so bad in Queensland when it is supposed to be beautiful one day and perfect the next?
I guess that I had unrealistic expectations of the weather up here. Was kinda hoping that (despite the fact that it is the middle of winter) the weather up here would be a happy 22 and sunny everyday. I really am just dying to feel the sun on my face again and some heat in my body. At the moment, it doesn't seem as though that is going to happen.
Why am I so self-obsessed at the moment?
I feel like I am incapable of having a conversation that does not revolve around me. Perhaps that is just because I have not seen my best friend for such a long time and that so much has happened since we last saw each other that I have a lot to share. Perhaps I have suddenly become boring and have nothing interesting to talk about? Whatever the reason, I feel that I am sick of talking about me and because we both have shit going on in our lives at the moment it is a little depressing. Why do I not have anything else to talk about?
Why do I feel like now that I am in Queensland, spending time with my best friend, that I would rather be at home?
For some reason, now that I am finally on this holiday that promised to be so relaxing and exactly what I needed, I just keep thinking about things at home and wishing that I was there. I don't know why. Although I am loving spending time with my best friend and her boyfriend (who seems lovely and so good to/for her) my thoughts are at home and I am feeling a little bit disconnected. My brain seems to be working overtime thinking about irrelevant things at home. I am also wishing that she could meet all of my friends, see my new place, and be involved in my new life. I guess that coming up here has reinforced to me how much I miss having my best friend in my life and closely connected with my day-to-day life as she used to be. It is making me think back to the uncomplicated days when we lived 15mins away from each other and could share everything immediately. Can spending time with a person make you miss them more acutely even though they are right beside you?
Why do I suddenly feel so disconnected?
I don't know why, but I suddenly feel so disconnected. Maybe I am under a lot more emotional strain than I realised and the pressure of being out of my environment and so far away is actually making me less relaxed and more fretful about life. On one hand it is great to be able to share what I am feeling with someone who knows me so well and gives such great advice but on the other hand I wish that I could get my self out of this fuzzy-headed daze I seem to be in and reconnect with her on a more fun and funny level like I used to. I don't feel like a very good friend at the moment. Maybe I am incapable of giving like I used to and so this is changing the dynamic of the relationship. Although I don't think that it is the relationship that is changing, I think that it is me who has (hopefully temporarily) changed and at the moment I am a little removed from everything and a little distant. I feel like my brain is working overtime - overanalysing everything, all that is said and done between me and the world and all the things that have happened in the last 3 months. When will I be able to reclaim my brain and get on with life the way I used to? Why must everything be so analytical with me all the time?
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