So I have reached the end of another term, but I feel that I have been dragging my feet. In the mind of a perfectionist, nothing is ever good enough, and in my mind, the last few weeks of this term have involved me trying to survive, rather than deciding to thrive. Personally, I have come to some liberating conclusions about where I am and the fact that this is exactly where I want to be. I have stopped waiting for my new life to start and have realised that this is my life now and that I am going to go out and live it. I am ready to take the wheel and steer for the first time ever, rather than letting myself be directed by what happens around me. I am writing a lot more than I ever have before and am finding it a way to explore my feelings and learn about myself.
Professionally however, I feel that my current workload is weighing down on me and that it is leaving little time for me to do those things that I am valuing in my life at the moment – spending time with friends, exercising, writing and thinking. I feel that I am not prioritising appropriately. That I am putting the things that I like to do above the things that I should do (teachers guilt bag anyone?). Should I feel guilty for nourishing my private life and neglecting my professional one? Am I even neglecting my professional life by anyone’s standards but my own? In some ways I realise that my private life is what needs nourishing at the moment – it is important that I continue to learn and grow and reflect. This will become easier over the next term as my Year 12’s and Year 11’s finish, and will give me more time to myself. It might also allow me to prepare for next year early which will give me time to relax over the holidays.
I feel a little like I am a contradiction. In some ways I am at a point personally where I have learnt a lot about myself and I am excited and happy to be me at the moment. In another way I am really tired and would just like some time without the pressures of school on my mind and on my time. Just when I feel like I am at the point where I am ready to embrace life again and all that that involves, I find that my motivation for school is at its lowest. Again …maybe the holidays…

sensory overload...

Somedays at school it feels like I am in sensory overload. Bells ringing, announcements barked over PA systems before class, after class, during class, students asking questions, talking, mumbling, laughing, arguing. Thoughts in my head; questions, comments, songs, family, weekend, friends. Sometimes there is just too much to think about so I find myself tuning out – avoiding, blocking, looking for peace, looking forward. Maybe the holidays…