I should be doing a million things right now. I should be writing the subject selection handout for the Year 9 program next year. I should be correcting Year 11 Exams. I could be writing reports. Instead I am sitting here because I can't concentrate. I don't want to seem ungrateful I guess, but I found out my allotment for next year a couple of days ago and I am not really happy. It seems that despite what I once thought, I am not immune to being told one thing and assured that that is what will happen and then having something entirely different eventuate. I worked really hard this year. I'm not saying no-one else did, but I often worked 12 hour days to get things done for this program, to build it from the ground up, and to make sure that things worked. And the work is not all done - next year there are many changes that need to be implemented to ensure that the program grows and improves. Despite being told that I would be getting my normal Year 12 and Year 11 English then BYTEs to make up the rest of my allotment, I have been given a Year 9 English class as well, and only 3 periods of my allotment are made up of BYTES classes. This effectively means that I am running a program that I have only minimal involvement in. This year, I was only timetabled into 5 periods of BYTES and was free during all of the other periods which meant that I could go into all 12 periods in a week as necessary without having to be covered. This next year I am timetabled into 3 periods of BYTES and timetabled against at least 2 if not 6 periods of BYTEs which means that I am unable to even visit other periods in my time off.
I feel like my load has been made larger, not smaller and that I am going to be unable to do all the things that I had planned for next year. I feel that the program will suffer because there is not enough investment in it and that my free time will suffer with 12 -hour days again whilst I run the program, learn the new texts at Year 12 for English and learn the entire course for Year 9 English which I have not taught before. But mostly I feel betrayed. I know that timetabling a whole school is not an easy task but when you are told one thing and another happens it would be nice to at least be told. There is an unfairness too to the way these things are done and that annoys me.
Most importantly I am getting insight into why so many young graduates spend so little time in schools before moving into the wider workforce. Graduates are taking the heavy load in schools - teaching VCE classes, taking on extra responsibility, getting involved in the extra curricular programs, working long hours for little monetary reward but placing their faith in the fact that their hard work will be rewarded other ways - through appreciation and consideration. It seems that I was wrong on both counts and I am not the only one who is unhappy. I guess it just takes the shine off things for me and makes me fearful about what next year will involve instead of being excited like I was a week ago. It is much easier to work your arse off when you feel like people are acknowledging the effort you are putting in.
I guess that I just need to get all of this off my chest. I will feel better when I have managed to get through some more of the tasks that are taking my focus right now and started to work on preparing for next year. It seems like at the moment there is this never-ending wall of work in front of me and I can see that I will be plodding through it for a long time to come. I don't want to sound like I am a sooky la la but just express my (hopefully) momentary disillusionment at this point in time. If there is anything that I can say in my own motivation it is that I am resilient and I will get over this and get on with it and make it work and probably be a better person for it but maybe I will also be a little bit broken... a little bit closer to being bitter and twisted like those that I see around me...something that I hoped would not happen to me...
