Sitting here with a million conflicting thoughts and I am not really sure what it is that I want to write about anyway. Maybe I will begin by posing some questions.
Why is the weather so bad in Queensland when it is supposed to be beautiful one day and perfect the next?
Why am I so self-obsessed at the moment?
Why do I feel like now that I am in Queensland, spending time with my best friend, that I would rather be at home?
Why do I suddenly feel so disconnected?
Next task I guess is to try to answer the questions.
Why is the weather so bad in Queensland when it is supposed to be beautiful one day and perfect the next?
I guess that I had unrealistic expectations of the weather up here. Was kinda hoping that (despite the fact that it is the middle of winter) the weather up here would be a happy 22 and sunny everyday. I really am just dying to feel the sun on my face again and some heat in my body. At the moment, it doesn't seem as though that is going to happen.
Why am I so self-obsessed at the moment?
I feel like I am incapable of having a conversation that does not revolve around me. Perhaps that is just because I have not seen my best friend for such a long time and that so much has happened since we last saw each other that I have a lot to share. Perhaps I have suddenly become boring and have nothing interesting to talk about? Whatever the reason, I feel that I am sick of talking about me and because we both have shit going on in our lives at the moment it is a little depressing. Why do I not have anything else to talk about?
Why do I feel like now that I am in Queensland, spending time with my best friend, that I would rather be at home?
For some reason, now that I am finally on this holiday that promised to be so relaxing and exactly what I needed, I just keep thinking about things at home and wishing that I was there. I don't know why. Although I am loving spending time with my best friend and her boyfriend (who seems lovely and so good to/for her) my thoughts are at home and I am feeling a little bit disconnected. My brain seems to be working overtime thinking about irrelevant things at home. I am also wishing that she could meet all of my friends, see my new place, and be involved in my new life. I guess that coming up here has reinforced to me how much I miss having my best friend in my life and closely connected with my day-to-day life as she used to be. It is making me think back to the uncomplicated days when we lived 15mins away from each other and could share everything immediately. Can spending time with a person make you miss them more acutely even though they are right beside you?
Why do I suddenly feel so disconnected?
I don't know why, but I suddenly feel so disconnected. Maybe I am under a lot more emotional strain than I realised and the pressure of being out of my environment and so far away is actually making me less relaxed and more fretful about life. On one hand it is great to be able to share what I am feeling with someone who knows me so well and gives such great advice but on the other hand I wish that I could get my self out of this fuzzy-headed daze I seem to be in and reconnect with her on a more fun and funny level like I used to. I don't feel like a very good friend at the moment. Maybe I am incapable of giving like I used to and so this is changing the dynamic of the relationship. Although I don't think that it is the relationship that is changing, I think that it is me who has (hopefully temporarily) changed and at the moment I am a little removed from everything and a little distant. I feel like my brain is working overtime - overanalysing everything, all that is said and done between me and the world and all the things that have happened in the last 3 months. When will I be able to reclaim my brain and get on with life the way I used to? Why must everything be so analytical with me all the time?
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