You would think that it would be exciting to suddenly have all of the restrictions removed that you had previously imposed upon yourself. Far from finding it exciting, I am finding the lack of restriction is feeling like a lack of direction. And this is an issue that I have discussed before. When I was in a long term relationship I felt that a lot of the direction for my life came from the momentum of the relationship. Much of my future was inevitable. I would get married, work for a couple of years, have babies etc. It seemed that my life was planned out, without any real conscious decision making on my behalf. In some ways that was the way that I liked it. I didn’t feel that I had as many choices as I might like, but I also didn’t feel that I was missing out on too much. I have floated through life until this point without having to make too many momentous decisions (none really until ending my engagement) and now it seems that momentous decisions are all I have to make. What am I going to do with my life/career etc now that I am single, living with my brother and free from the financial constrains of a mortgage? My views on all of this are changing daily. I had thought that I would like to go back to uni part time to do my honours, whilst still working full-time. I now think that maybe it would be nice to have a year to just exist, without putting more pressure on myself and without tying myself down any further. I feel as though this year I have not been able to do anything as well as I would like, but much of this probably comes from the fact that I am a perfectionist and I struggle to be satisfied that anything that I do is good enough.
I have discussed possible allotments with one of the APs at school and she is very supportive and happy to cater my allotment for my needs. At this stage I think that I would like to take on more of an administrative role at school in some way. One of the reasons that I wanted to go back to uni was to get back into the sort of research and writing that I enjoy. To hook myself back into the other side of the profession, whilst still teaching at the same time. The programs that the school are starting next year would give me the ability to do this, but to continue teaching some senior classes as well.
I think that I would also like to travel in the next couple of years, so at the moment I am starting to save and think about where and when I might like to go. But unless I go overseas over the Christmas holidays when it will be winter over there (which means missing summer here for a whole year) I will have to miss at least one term of school to make it worth my while. So I need to think and plan ahead so that I am not teaching senior classes in the year that I would like to travel.
It is funny. Before I was single all that I had that was mine was my career. Now everything can be mine again and I don’t know what it is that I want. So many possibilities and I still struggle to make a decision. It seems that the world is my oyster. Only problem now is working out which pearl I want…
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