Growing Up

At some point I grew up and became a responsible adult and I’m not quite sure when that happened. Anyone got any ideas? I have a job with a lot of responsibility and sometimes that makes me feel like I have a bit of a split personality. When I was earlier in my teaching career, the me in school and the me out of school were very different. Now that I am a bit more comfortable in myself, what you see is what you get in terms of me in the classroom and me outside of work, however the professional me, the one that deals with managing adults and delivering professional development and making leadership decisions is another beast entirely. By beast I don’t mean that that side of me is in any way horrible or beastly (others may disagree!) but rather that I think that that responsible, professional adult me is not the way I see myself. I think sometimes about the job I do and about the discussions I have with people about the wellbeing of their children and curriculum planning and the state of education and I feel almost like that person talking, the responsible Caitlin, is some other person, one who can now mix intellectually and socially with adults of all ages, one who is grown up and seen by others as a leader and as someone to go to for advice. I guess I still feel in some ways like that 24 year old who started teaching and was only 12 years older than the year 7s she was suddenly responsible for and only 7 years older than her senior students. I guess I still feel like the silly, impulsive, immature, fun-loving teenager that I sometimes still behave like.
I occasionally ask other people if they ever truly feel like they are grown up and responsible and ready to “be an adult” and usually they agree with my belief that you never really feel like you are getting older, or even that you will ever be as responsible and grown up as you see all of the other ‘grown ups’ acting, but that you just ‘get on with it’ and deal with what life throws at you in the best way you know how. I think that when you are young you think you know everything and that you are so mature and when you get older you realise how little you knew when you were younger and yet, at heart, you still feel like you are that person. Despite my feelings that inside there is still a large part of me that is silly and happy and free, there is inevitably a bigger part of me that is responsible and clever and passionate about what I believe in and what I do for a living and what and who I love. I guess that is the way it will always be.