It is that time of the year again. Reports are being written, the whingers are out in full force and life is a bit of good and bad for me. On the one hand, my Year 12’s are finished. They had their exam on Friday and there were no nasty surprises so I am fairly happy that they were well prepared. Some of the students have started emailing me to thank me for the year and that is really nice. It is an amazing feeling to know that you have been able to make a difference even to one student. My Year 11’s have finished too and I actually am really missing my senior classes. You have the benefit of being able to have really close relationships with your senior students and it is always sad to see them go. The fact that all of my senior classes have finished leaves me in the enviable position of having only 2 classes (7 periods a week) of Year 7’s. But this is where some of the bad comes in. As much as I love my Year 7’s and would happily talk to each of them for hours on their own, at the moment, as a class, they are a nightmare. Some of it is due to the fact that the end of the year is in sight for them and all they want to do is be silly and show off and talk, but part of the problem is that in conjunction with their lack of motivation, is my need to finalise their assessment and so each lesson at the moment with them I am fighting a battle to get them working. I feel like I am in a war zone every day and I really don’t like it. Maybe it is their lack of motivation. Maybe it is the fact that the work they are doing is boring. Maybe it is the fact that I don’t have the senior classes to balance me out and provide the mental stimulation I am used to having. Maybe it is a combination of all of those things, but I really don’t like the fact that the only classes that I am teaching at the moment really aren’t fun at all. The thing that amazes me the most though is that no matter how mean I am to them they all still love me and they all still want to tell me everything about their day and who said what and interrupt important instructions to tell me that my hair looks nice or that they like my necklace. I don’t feel like I deserve their affection at the moment and yet they still give it to me which is really special. By next week though things will get more fun. They have an Ancient History Day tomorrow which should be interesting and then next week we will work on some fun, interactive, not-for-assessment activities to liven them up again and finish on a fun note. So in general the year is looking positive at the moment. Work pressures are easing and the social scene is gearing up so I have been able to shift my attention away from school a little bit and more onto my fitness and health, my social life and having fun. After a year that has been so long and so hard in so many ways it is nice to have a change of pace and a change of focus. Looking forward is certainly more fun than looking back…

To teach and what to teach? – That is the question…

It is that time of the year again when I am being asked what I would like to teach next year. To be honest, I have been devoting time to thinking about other things and I am yet to tackle the issue of what I would like to teach. I would certainly like a Year 12 English. I love teaching Year 11 English and would be disappointed to have no Year 11’s at all. Those are the certainties in my mind at the moment. I guess that the major question that I need to answer, for my own benefit and the benefit of the admin staff is whether or not I want to teach Year 12 History next year. History has been hard work this year and it will still be hard work next year because there is so much that I need still to learn. History is such a content based subject that I have spent a lot of this year working on learning the content myself and there is still a long way to go for me in terms of really knowing my content inside and out. So next year, although easier than this year because I know what to expect and I have an idea of the structure and content of the course, will still be hard work because there is so much that I would do differently and still so much for me to learn. The other teacher taking the Year 12 History class is a lot more experienced than me in terms of knowing her content and I feel that perhaps it would be better for the students if she took both classes next year. But I am in two minds. On one hand I feel that History was such hard work this year that it wouldn’t bother me if I didn’t teach it next year. On the other hand I think it would be a shame to waste all of the hard work and effort and planning that I have put in over the year by not building on it next year. In some ways I would love it if the decision was taken out of my hands, but that would be taking the easy way out and I am trying to avoid doing that in my life in general at the moment. So I need to make a decision and as yet are unsure how to go about doing it.
The other uncertainty for me is the new MERC and what sort of a position would be available to me in order to get involved in it. I would love to have some sort of administrative role within the MERC or some sort of position of responsibility that gave me challenges away from the classroom. I was thinking of going back to uni next year to start Honours, but I have decided that it might be better for me in the long term to have next year as a year to myself so that I can take stock of my life and avoid extra pressures on my time. So I am hoping that there will be a position at school that can in some way fill the void left in my life without study. The issue for me is that I am unsure at the moment, as is the administration, of what sort of role would be available in the MERC and so I am unable to make a decision or to know at this stage what the possibilities are for next year. Again the feeling of uncertainty prevails. Such is life in schools though I think…

Thursday 22 September

I’m at school today – in the middle of the school holidays giving a class for my Year 12’s. I wonder sometimes if I am insane. Only 9 out of the 17 turned up and very little constructive work was done by anyone. The students are really struggling to even know where to start to begin their notes and I can see that the majority of the work is going to be done by them at the last minute. I keep trying to remind myself that I can only do so much – I can give them the information, I can give them ideas and strategies as to how to revise, I can give them exam revision questions and offer my time to answer questions, but I cannot force them to do it. If only I could.

So I have reached the end of another term, but I feel that I have been dragging my feet. In the mind of a perfectionist, nothing is ever good enough, and in my mind, the last few weeks of this term have involved me trying to survive, rather than deciding to thrive. Personally, I have come to some liberating conclusions about where I am and the fact that this is exactly where I want to be. I have stopped waiting for my new life to start and have realised that this is my life now and that I am going to go out and live it. I am ready to take the wheel and steer for the first time ever, rather than letting myself be directed by what happens around me. I am writing a lot more than I ever have before and am finding it a way to explore my feelings and learn about myself.
Professionally however, I feel that my current workload is weighing down on me and that it is leaving little time for me to do those things that I am valuing in my life at the moment – spending time with friends, exercising, writing and thinking. I feel that I am not prioritising appropriately. That I am putting the things that I like to do above the things that I should do (teachers guilt bag anyone?). Should I feel guilty for nourishing my private life and neglecting my professional one? Am I even neglecting my professional life by anyone’s standards but my own? In some ways I realise that my private life is what needs nourishing at the moment – it is important that I continue to learn and grow and reflect. This will become easier over the next term as my Year 12’s and Year 11’s finish, and will give me more time to myself. It might also allow me to prepare for next year early which will give me time to relax over the holidays.
I feel a little like I am a contradiction. In some ways I am at a point personally where I have learnt a lot about myself and I am excited and happy to be me at the moment. In another way I am really tired and would just like some time without the pressures of school on my mind and on my time. Just when I feel like I am at the point where I am ready to embrace life again and all that that involves, I find that my motivation for school is at its lowest. Again …maybe the holidays…

sensory overload...

Somedays at school it feels like I am in sensory overload. Bells ringing, announcements barked over PA systems before class, after class, during class, students asking questions, talking, mumbling, laughing, arguing. Thoughts in my head; questions, comments, songs, family, weekend, friends. Sometimes there is just too much to think about so I find myself tuning out – avoiding, blocking, looking for peace, looking forward. Maybe the holidays…

...are a girl's best friend

It seems that in the absence of diamonds, it is a laptop that has become this girl’s best friend. Is this a sad indictment on an already sad existence? Or is this the norm, something that is acceptable; expected even? I take my laptop everywhere with me. It comes to every class, it travels interstate with me, on school camps and is in the boot of my car where ever I am. In a way, this ‘notebook’ contains the notes of my life, all the originals of my blogs, photos of friends and family, school work, all of my appointments and birthdays and addresses and emails. Is this little black box, as slimline as it may be, my ultimate accessory? (and is this the smallest blog I have ever managed to post?)

Restriction free and floundering...

You would think that it would be exciting to suddenly have all of the restrictions removed that you had previously imposed upon yourself. Far from finding it exciting, I am finding the lack of restriction is feeling like a lack of direction. And this is an issue that I have discussed before. When I was in a long term relationship I felt that a lot of the direction for my life came from the momentum of the relationship. Much of my future was inevitable. I would get married, work for a couple of years, have babies etc. It seemed that my life was planned out, without any real conscious decision making on my behalf. In some ways that was the way that I liked it. I didn’t feel that I had as many choices as I might like, but I also didn’t feel that I was missing out on too much. I have floated through life until this point without having to make too many momentous decisions (none really until ending my engagement) and now it seems that momentous decisions are all I have to make. What am I going to do with my life/career etc now that I am single, living with my brother and free from the financial constrains of a mortgage? My views on all of this are changing daily. I had thought that I would like to go back to uni part time to do my honours, whilst still working full-time. I now think that maybe it would be nice to have a year to just exist, without putting more pressure on myself and without tying myself down any further. I feel as though this year I have not been able to do anything as well as I would like, but much of this probably comes from the fact that I am a perfectionist and I struggle to be satisfied that anything that I do is good enough.
I have discussed possible allotments with one of the APs at school and she is very supportive and happy to cater my allotment for my needs. At this stage I think that I would like to take on more of an administrative role at school in some way. One of the reasons that I wanted to go back to uni was to get back into the sort of research and writing that I enjoy. To hook myself back into the other side of the profession, whilst still teaching at the same time. The programs that the school are starting next year would give me the ability to do this, but to continue teaching some senior classes as well.
I think that I would also like to travel in the next couple of years, so at the moment I am starting to save and think about where and when I might like to go. But unless I go overseas over the Christmas holidays when it will be winter over there (which means missing summer here for a whole year) I will have to miss at least one term of school to make it worth my while. So I need to think and plan ahead so that I am not teaching senior classes in the year that I would like to travel.
It is funny. Before I was single all that I had that was mine was my career. Now everything can be mine again and I don’t know what it is that I want. So many possibilities and I still struggle to make a decision. It seems that the world is my oyster. Only problem now is working out which pearl I want…

The Issue of Technology (and why is everything an issue?)

It seems that one of the biggest issues in our school at the moment is the issue of technology. ICTs. Or perhaps I am the only one that sees that it is a problem.

A PD day that the school held recently on the new ELS saw us auditing our current English curriculum at the various levels, and identifying what it is that we are already doing, what the ELS is asking of the curriculum and working out where the gaps are between the two so that these can be addressed. One of the biggest differences I can see between the CSF II and the ELS is that the ELS makes quite explicit the extent to which teaching should be combined with technology. It outlines the skills students should have in ICT, and the different sorts of technologies and applications that should be used in the classroom.

Somewhat intentionally, the KLA manager gave the task of presenting the ELS technology audit to myself and another graduate teacher, knowing my particular interest in the use of ICTs in the classroom. I presented what it was that the ELS was specifying, and how our English curriculum was currently failing to address these points, particularly focussing on how the ELS talks about the internet as another form of text that students should be taught to read analytically. The discussion that ensued was somewhat disappointing to me, but not entirely unexpected.

My favourite comment : “ICT is not great, Shakespeare is great”
Closely followed by: “I don’t know why we have to hold up ICT as a “solution” to every thing, as some sort of wonder technology that is more important than anything else in the in the curriculum.”
To a certain extent that is a valid point. ICT is not the solution to everything and it is not a guarantee that students will be engaged, or that they will learn better or faster or in a more authentic way. Incorporation of ICT into our classrooms and the focus we give it IS problematic. What role should ICT have in our classrooms? To a large extent the ELS has spelt this out for us. So now the question of ‘what if’ has been answered and so the focus needs to shift to ‘how?’


At the risk of sounding like a technobrat I think that what many teachers are failing to see is that ICT is not an imposition, it is a reality. Or it is in my world anyway. The majority of my communication is done over the internet – I have email conversations and MSN messenger chats with my friends. I have two blog sites – one where I can blog about school issues and the other that I use to help me deal with the uncertainty that is my life at the moment. It is through these blogs, that are, although public property, rather anonymous, that my friends get daily or weekly insight into how I am and what I am thinking about. And through their blogs I get the same insight and am able to comment – to offer support or advice as they offer me. The internet is a tool that helps me not only to perform my job at a better standard and more efficiently, but it is a way of life for me. My students email me essays and work which I edit, make comments on and send back. I use my laptop and the digital projector to present many of my classes using PowerPoint, scanned images, photographs, etc. Whether or not people want to admit it, technology is here to stay and it is a reality in the lives of most of our students. Technology is not just a tool, it is communication, information, presentation. So why is it such an issue?

I think that there are several separate issues with technology and its implementation in the classroom that both our school and many others in the same situation will have to deal with when the ELS is implemented, and have been dealing with for some time already.

Up-skilling of Staff will be one of the major hurdles that the school will have to o’erleap in order to enable staff to incorporate ICTs into their classes, and facilitate their students using ICTs effectively and critically. One of the main reasons for the resistence to ICTs that so many of the staff exhibit is due to the lack of working knowledge that they themselves have about technologies and how to use them. Schools need to implement some sort of radical personal development program in order to pass on the skills, and therefore the confidence, in using these ICTs that staff members need.

Access to ICTs are another issue that many, particularly government schools, face. When the teachers who are willing and able to incorporate ICTs, in an effective and challenging way into their classroom, are unable to even book their students into a computer room, some serious problems arise. Many schools have a limited number of computer labs, and when these are fully booked, it is a struggle to incorporate computer based activities into the classroom, regardless of how valuable and engaging they may be.

Another problem is incorporating ICT into the classroom in a “real” way. Computers should not just be used as an alternative way of presenting something that can just as easily be presented in writing or on paper. Instead, ICT should be used to enhance the learning of students, to present to them new challenges or activities that are more authentic in their nature than many of the paper-based activities they are asked to complete each day. ICT should be incorporated in a natural and authentic way into the classroom, not as an artificial and imposed “added extra.” However this is easier said than done. In order for this to be the ‘norm’ rather than the exception as it currently is, more discussion, sharing of ideas and promotion of the possibilities of incorporating ICTs into the classroom is necessary.

So, I guess that perhaps the battle has just begun. The battle to incorporate ICTs into schools. The battle to have ICTs seen as valuable and a way to enrich teaching, and increase efficacy and engagement in our students.

I don’t know what the solution is. At the moment I am seeing the problems and beginning to think about how the ‘issue of ICT’ can stop being an issue and start being accepted and incorporated. With the schools technology centre being built next year, dealing with these issues becomes more of a priority. I am expecting a struggle. I wonder how we will go…

Musings of a non-dreamer

Sitting here again (wasting time) and thinking about the idea of dreams. I am in a situation at the moment where I am being forced to think about what I want from my life. When I was in a long-term relationship, my notion of what I wanted from my future was coloured by what people, including my partner, expected of my future. I have never really been a dreamer, rather quite practical and I like to deal with problems and issues as they arise. However for the first time in my life I feel as though I am expected to have an idea of what I want from my future, and I can’t say that I have any. Is that a bad admission to make? I feel as though people are congratulating me for being brave and following my heart and encouraging me to follow my dreams, but I don’t think that I really have any dreams. Do I need to have a definite notion of what I want out of life?

When I think of the notion of a dream I think of something that is all encompassing, something that you strive for against the odds, something that makes you motivated to achieve. I think that I have short term goals, but not anything that I would classify as a dream, and I am feeling a distinct lack of motivation at the moment. Do I need a dream or something to work towards to spur me on? I think that I have always wanted to go back to uni and do my honours, then eventually a PhD. I don’t know why, just think that I have always wanted to. Is this a dream or do I need to have a deep seated motivation that is driving me?

Maybe you don’t need dreams to be a successful person and to be happy. Maybe it is enough that I try in my everyday life to do the best that I can in all aspects of my life. Maybe for me the dream is simply to constantly challenge myself and to rise to the challenge in the best way that I know how. Maybe I don’t need some all encompassing dream to spur me on other than the need to feel fulfilled in what I do. At the moment my career is providing me with that challenge and that sense of fulfilment and maybe this blog has just helped me come to a conclusion about whether or not to go back to study next year. I think that if the only thing that I am certain about at the moment is that I would eventually like to go back and study then what am I waiting for?

The problem of professional relationships

Relationships at work are a funny thing. And I have quite a few at the moment that are having differing impacts on my life. I have 2 best friends at work; one who I regularly avoid so that it does not seem that we are spending too much time together, and another who has become my very best friend and confidante, but who is having this semester off to travel overseas. I feel as though I will be losing my best friend at work and that I will be losing a part of the reason that I enjoy getting up in the morning and coming to school – spending time with her. I guess in the last couple of months school has become more social for me, largely because what is going on in my personal life means that I need more support, and my friends at work are the ones that are there for me more than 8 hours a day, at least 5 days a week.

But relationships at work can be problematic too. Professional relationships are not always based on wanting to work together, but rather having to work together and the need to get along in order to get the job done. One of my professional relationships is causing me a lot of stress this year and I know that there are many different reasons for this. Firstly, the colleague in question is new to the school and is trying to work out her place in the grand scheme of a new school and is doing some adjusting to the different ways that things work. Secondly, we are very different in both ideology, background and attitude, and this makes it difficult to agree on how we will teach our content and on planning and designing SACs. Thirdly, the issues that I am trying to deal with at the moment at home have made me retreat somewhat at school, and I prefer to keep to myself and try to get my job done with minimal fuss and interaction. In short, a lot of the issues are coming from the fact that I just don’t have the energy at the moment left over after dealing with all the other complications in my life to deal with issues at school. Another large part of the problem is that as this subject is new for me this year, and the colleague that I am teaching with is so different to me, I am not getting the support in terms of content and teaching that I feel that I need. The subject is largely content based and it is a content that I am learning almost from scratch. And it is becoming an issue. The situation has been playing on my mind to the point that I am considering seriously what I would like to teach next year, and am considering giving up the subject that I teach with this colleague and taking up another at the same year level just to get myself out of the situation. I know that in this other subject I will get a lot more support, there are more teachers who are teaching it who I can go to for advice and support and my KLA manager tried desperately to get me to teach it this year so I know that he would support me changing next year. The problem though, if I decided to change subjects next year is that I will lose a whole year of content and planning and subject knowledge. I will lose the experience that I had this year and the ability to reflect, reshape and reform my teaching of the subject next year. It seems a shame to effectively waste a year of content and learning, but is it better to pursue the subject to the detriment of my happiness at work, or should I take the option that will be better me in terms of enjoying my school life? Although this is not a decision that I need to be making anytime soon, it is a decision that is playing on my mind, something that is worrying me and that I am thinking about now, so I thought that I would put it out there for discussion and get some ideas on what to do or that by posting about it I might gain some perspective myself. Will see which one…


Professional relationships – take 2

I guess that there is some more information that really should be added to the original relationships blog – a complication I guess. I think that some of my problems with teaching this subject with the difficult colleague is the fact that I am a perfectionist and that I don’t think that I am doing the best job that I could be. I know that I am doing the best job that I can manage at the moment, but I feel that the other teacher has a more sound subject knowledge than I do (something that comes with time, I know) and that her class is going to do better than mine at the end of the year (which may or may not be to do with the calibre of her student and not my teaching). I feel like the lack of support that I am getting and the lack of someone there to guide me and to encourage me has left me feeling a little out on a limb and a little unsure of what it is that I am doing. In some ways this year I am re-inventing the wheel with this subject as the study design has changed and so the course is different this year to last year. Is my desire to leave this subject behind and take on something different that might be more personally satisfying and that might offer me a more supportive environment really just another way of me trying to avoid dealing with issues?

The following is an experiment. It is a joint blog, written by both myself (in the normal font) and my Queensland best friend, K, in the italicised font). I started the blog from a random thought in my head and where it ended was a fair way from where it began.


High school seems like a very long time ago to me and I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing considering that I am a teacher. Whenever I get together with my best friend from Queensland (who I have been friends with since year 10) we inevitably start to reminisce about things that happened at school or people that we remember. Generally I remember the people and the teachers, but I do not often remember the events and so usually these discussions remind me of things that I had long buried in my mind. I loved high school – everything about it. I loved the social side of school – spending ridiculous amounts of time with your friends – often more time than you spent at home with your family. I loved the challenge of school work and the feeling that you got when you solved a difficult problem or wrote the perfect essay (now I am kidding myself that there is such a thing) or finally understood something that had been baffling you for a long time. I loved the different personalities of my teachers, and I used to study them during class, spending so much time watching and listening to them that even the grumpy teachers or the shit ones or the ones who had no control over the class still managed to win their way into my good books.

In this I think we get to see the birth of Darce the teacher.

I also loved high school towards the end (and only towards the end) but for very different reasons. For me, in the beginning high school was a threatening and challenging place. It took me a long while to form friendships and to find my place. In fact it pretty much took me until year 12. This is why I was loving high school at the end and why I did not want to leave it. I had finally found my place, worked out where I fitted in the grand scheme of things and had decided that the ‘popular’ girls were actually no better off than I was. I think I can see both sides of the argument, I understand those who loved high school and never wanted to leave and I feel the pain of the others who never did find their place, who still feel victimized by their experiences and who would never go back there under any circumstances.

It is funny really. Funny how two best friends can have such a totally different experience of school. Funny but not surprising. I can remember my first day of high school , but for me it was a fairly easy transition – there were other people from my primary school in all of my classes and it did not take me long to make new friends. But I could always see that intimidation that people felt at the hands of the ‘popular girls’ those that we dubbed ‘california’ girls; the blonde, bimbo surfie type that sought out validation in all of the wrong places because they were actually really insecure. The type of person who puts down the ‘lesser’ of us out there in order to make themselves feel bigger and better. I was happy at school avoiding this type of person and making friends with everyone. I don’t now, and never did believe in being nasty to anyone and so I generally got along with everyone in the best way that I could.

I sometimes wonder how much of the ‘California girls’ nastiness was imagined and how much of it was real. But in this, I guess we also see the birth of K the Psychologist and the true meaning of popularity. You see, part of the reason that I realized that the ‘California girls’ were a farce was the fact that I could see Darce’s genuine popularity. It is something that I think likely still exists today and is something that Darce is blissfully ignorant of. People genuinely warmed to her and would stop to listen should she speak. She was well respected and well liked and never in my time as her best friend have I ever witnessed anyone be mad at her or bitch about her behind her back. It is sobering just how powerful the influence of high school can be on people’s lives.

It is also amusing to me to be told that no-one (to K’s knowledge) ever bitched about me behind my back because these days I seemed to be overly preoccupied with what people think about me (or what I think they think about me) and whilst I can see that this preoccupation is a waste of energy and perhaps even self-obsession, it is difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that generally people don’t really give a shit about the decisions you make (so long as they have no negative impact on others) and that perfect is a state of the imagination, not a real or attainable place. I used to be quite content in the knowledge that I was a good person and that people liked me, but I find myself questioning myself more now than I ever did before. Is it the increased scrutiny (or the feeling of increased scrutiny) that comes with having over 100 people watching you each day for 45 minutes each? Am I just a little more self-obsessed than I used to be?

There are two things that I want to point out here;

All people are inevitably self-obsessed. We actually aren’t given the gift of anyone else’s perspective therefore we are terminally doomed to only see things from inside our own heads. Often what this means is that people spend more time thinking about themselves and things that effect them than they do thinking about anyone else. Is this a bad thing? NO. It most definitely is not. It just means that often when we think that people are talking about us they aren’t even thinking about us at all and this in turn gives us an excellent reason to be a little less paranoid.
Given that Darce can only see things from inside her own head, the scrutiny and judgment from other people that she is concerned about is also occurring inside her own head. She has no firm idea whether people are actually talking about her and if they are even what they are saying. Does it even matter? Should our self worth be defined by others as it was for the ‘California’ girls or should our self worth be defined by ourselves?

Given this, I would then like to pose the following alternate hypothesis. That it is not other people who are creating this insecurity and anxiety but rather, Darce’s own insecurity regarding the extremely difficult choices she has had to make lately. It is only natural that after having to make such drastic changes to her life she would wonder if she did the right thing, if she has the ability to make sound decisions and if it was maybe something she did that lead to this situation.

True. The situation that I am in at the moment has made me more insecure because for the first time in my life I do worry about what people think because I do not have the security of going home to a partner who loves me and does not care about what other people think. Judging myself more harshly than anybody else does has always been something that I have been guilty of. So the main aim for me at the moment is to get myself to a stage where I am secure in myself and happy with myself. Perhaps that will take a healthy dose of self-obsession!

An explanation I think...

Firstly I would like to say - "Thank goodness for best friends!" Then I think that I would like to explain what prompted the last blog that I posted. I guess I hadn't really thought about what this holiday to Queensland would be like or what it would mean to me. I just planned it (sort of last minute as I tend to do) and got on the plane to come up here, without much of a preconceived idea of what I expected or of what I would get out of the trip. I guess I just thought that this holiday would be like any other that I had spent up here. I would get to spend some quality time with my best friend, catching up on gossip and talking about the last couple of months, I would get to meet her new boyfriend whom I have heard so much about and I would get to catch up with her family who generally I get along with really well. I don't think that either of us had really counted on the emotional baggage that we were both bringing to the trip this time. I had thought that I was dealing with my breakup really well when it turns out that i was just avoiding the issues and it all came crashing down on me when I got up here. She is dealing with her parents break-up and the feeling that she has lost her whole family now that her Dad has gone. Neither of us had realised the amount of emotional support that we were going to need from each other, and the first two days involved the two of us trying to work out how to get back into the groove that we have always had so effortlessly before. I guess that I felt like when I got up here my support network was suddenly gone - the support network that has been doing such a good job supporting me that I have been able to really avoid dealing with my break-up issues. I felt like I just wanted to crawl back into my unit in Melbourne, even if it was by myself so that I was back where I felt safe and where there were enough distractions to stop me from thinking so much. In some ways the honesty of my relationship with my qld friend meant that I knew that I would not be able to avoid the things that were bothering me because she is so insightful that she practically reads my mind. I tried to work out some way to escape, including trying to organise a ridiculous spontaneous road-trip, but as best friends do, she saw right through me and pulled me up on my avoidance tactics.

One of the things that I found so difficult when I got here was the different atmosphere in the house with my best friends father gone. Whereas the house used to be fun and happy, I walked in to an oppressive situation where my best friend is treated almost like a modern-day Cinderella; biting her tongue whilst the others gang up on her and expect the world from her. I had no idea of the awful situation that she was dealing with because often all of her issues are dealt with internally and she rarely asks for help and support. I guess that neither of us actually realised that we needed support until we were looking at each other and trying to work out what the hell the other one was thinking.

I will conclude by saying that despite the fact that I initially felt like I wanted to run away screaming from this holiday, it was never because I didn’t want to spend time with my best friend, rather because I did not know how to deal with the issues that suddenly hit me, or her issues, which seemed so much worse than mine. But in the way that we always have, we both found a way to get through to the other and to be there for each other. She has helped me to see what I was doing to try and avoid my issues at home, and helped me with ideas on how to deal with the things in my life that I need to reflect on. Whilst I haven’t been able to offer her any solutions to her problems, I have tried to give her the support she needs, and hopefully have eased her burden a little bit. The best thing that this holiday has given me is the reassurance of something I already knew; that despite the fact that we live hundreds of kilometres away from each other, we will always find a way to be there for each other when it matters most.

Maybe this will help...

Sitting here with a million conflicting thoughts and I am not really sure what it is that I want to write about anyway. Maybe I will begin by posing some questions.
Why is the weather so bad in Queensland when it is supposed to be beautiful one day and perfect the next?
Why am I so self-obsessed at the moment?
Why do I feel like now that I am in Queensland, spending time with my best friend, that I would rather be at home?
Why do I suddenly feel so disconnected?

Next task I guess is to try to answer the questions.

Why is the weather so bad in Queensland when it is supposed to be beautiful one day and perfect the next?
I guess that I had unrealistic expectations of the weather up here. Was kinda hoping that (despite the fact that it is the middle of winter) the weather up here would be a happy 22 and sunny everyday. I really am just dying to feel the sun on my face again and some heat in my body. At the moment, it doesn't seem as though that is going to happen.

Why am I so self-obsessed at the moment?
I feel like I am incapable of having a conversation that does not revolve around me. Perhaps that is just because I have not seen my best friend for such a long time and that so much has happened since we last saw each other that I have a lot to share. Perhaps I have suddenly become boring and have nothing interesting to talk about? Whatever the reason, I feel that I am sick of talking about me and because we both have shit going on in our lives at the moment it is a little depressing. Why do I not have anything else to talk about?

Why do I feel like now that I am in Queensland, spending time with my best friend, that I would rather be at home?
For some reason, now that I am finally on this holiday that promised to be so relaxing and exactly what I needed, I just keep thinking about things at home and wishing that I was there. I don't know why. Although I am loving spending time with my best friend and her boyfriend (who seems lovely and so good to/for her) my thoughts are at home and I am feeling a little bit disconnected. My brain seems to be working overtime thinking about irrelevant things at home. I am also wishing that she could meet all of my friends, see my new place, and be involved in my new life. I guess that coming up here has reinforced to me how much I miss having my best friend in my life and closely connected with my day-to-day life as she used to be. It is making me think back to the uncomplicated days when we lived 15mins away from each other and could share everything immediately. Can spending time with a person make you miss them more acutely even though they are right beside you?

Why do I suddenly feel so disconnected?
I don't know why, but I suddenly feel so disconnected. Maybe I am under a lot more emotional strain than I realised and the pressure of being out of my environment and so far away is actually making me less relaxed and more fretful about life. On one hand it is great to be able to share what I am feeling with someone who knows me so well and gives such great advice but on the other hand I wish that I could get my self out of this fuzzy-headed daze I seem to be in and reconnect with her on a more fun and funny level like I used to. I don't feel like a very good friend at the moment. Maybe I am incapable of giving like I used to and so this is changing the dynamic of the relationship. Although I don't think that it is the relationship that is changing, I think that it is me who has (hopefully temporarily) changed and at the moment I am a little removed from everything and a little distant. I feel like my brain is working overtime - overanalysing everything, all that is said and done between me and the world and all the things that have happened in the last 3 months. When will I be able to reclaim my brain and get on with life the way I used to? Why must everything be so analytical with me all the time?

Can you hear the cogs turning?

I think at the moment maybe I have a little too much time to think. Although time to think is a new and exciting experience for me, it is also a dangerous one because I have a tendancy to over-analyse. So here I go…
I think that I used to be a person who was a little bit judgemental. I had certain views on certain things and used to get caught up in discussing the “scandalous behaviour” of different family members or friends who were doing things that I deemed gossip worthy. Not that I was an awful gossip or anything, and I never said anything bad about the person, but I took a certain pleasure from another person’s misfortunes, safe in the knowledge that my life was perfect. These days for me, however, nothing is certain, and my own experiences have taught me that things aren’t always what they seem. I realise now that nobody is perfect and that everyone needs to make decisions in life to make themselves happy, rather than acting to please other people.
However having said that, this is still not an easy premise for me to adhere to. I still worry about what people think of me and what they think of what I am doing and the decisions I am making. I am trying to find out who I am, experience life a little, and make myself happy. And I thought that I was doing a good job at being true to myself, actually I still do, but a conversation with a couple of friends earlier tonight made me second guess myself enough to still be thinking about it now and needing to get it off my chest.
Ridiculous conversations are often had at the pub with my group of friends, without the need for alcoholic intervention! Tonight a conversation started, on a general topic that began as a bit of fun, but carried on too long to just be a random conversation, and seemed to end up pointedly directed at me and one of my recent decisions. I felt that instead of making a general statement, the friend ended up sermonising, and I started wondering exactly why it was that he was pursuing the conversation. Don’t get me wrong- everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I ended up feeling as though this opinion was being foisted onto me in an effort to somehow make me feel bad and it left me wondering how I should feel and questioning myself. I felt as though my own ability to look after myself and to make educated decisions and act on them in a mature way was being questioned, although I’m sure that wasn’t the intention. I felt as though I was being judged and that his values were being used to read my actions when his values really don’t matter.
So after I left the pub, one of the other friends who was there rang to make sure that I was okay and that the conversation hadn’t upset me. The conversation didn’t really upset me, I just was unsure really of how to read it or why the conversation happened in the first place and so I am still a little perplexed at what to take out of the whole experience. I guess that I just need to remember that it is my life and that I am making decisions for me for the first time in a long time, that don’t involve considering somebody else. I know that I need to focus only on myself and what I know will make me happy (without having a detrimental impact on anyone else) but breaking that old mindset, the one that says “everyone is watching you” and “you need to be perfect” is difficult. It is something that I constantly deal with now that I have done “imperfect” things like breaking up my engagement. Can someone so used to being judgmental learn not to judge herself so harshly? Stay tuned…

Teaching - life in a fishbowl

I will admit that I watch Big Brother. And I kind of enjoy it too. Sad perhaps, but true. However I bet you will never see a teacher on Big Brother. Too much of your personal credibility is at stake as a teacher to subject yourself to Big Brother scrutiny. And personal credibility is an important part of a teacher’s credibility with students, parents and colleagues alike. Imagine having past, present and prospective students seeing you naked, watching you in the shower, hearing all of your personal conversations, seeing you kiss people, watching you get drunk, seeing you in your underwear. You would never have credibility again in the classroom, or among your colleagues, or at conferences you might attend or at university if you went back to study. People would feel that they knew everything about you, including your values, your likes, dislikes, what type of teacher you would be. I wonder how any Big Brother contestant would fit back into the real world. Who would respect you in any walk of life? What would your friends, relatives and colleagues think of you? What parent would want you teaching their child? Can anyone act in an endearing manner in the Big Brother house and maintain their dignity?

But it also makes me think about the fact that a teacher’s everyday life is lived in some sort of a fish-bowl. Everywhere you go, particularly if you live near the school, there is someone who knows you or who knows who you are, a student, a parent, someone who knows someone whose kids go to your school. I used to live 30 minutes from school. Even then I was not safe. I saw students in the bakery, students walking through my suburb, students at my shopping centre. But at least it was very rarely so I did have some sort of anonymity. Now that I have moved closer to school (I am five minutes away) I see students everywhere I go. I went for a walk last week up a main road near my home and before I had walked even 5 minutes, I had seen 4 students and one teacher. There are students in my supermarket now, working and shopping, there are students at my local shops, students walking down my street, students in the pub with their parents when I am having a drink with people from work on a Friday night. I feel a little bit like I am under surveillance, like Big Brother (George Orwell style) and that everywhere I go there is someone watching and waiting for me to act inappropriately and call me in to some austere office for rebuke.

But I guess that it is a small world in general. I went to a party on the weekend and a guy that I met went to uni with my cousin, so any ridiculous drunken behaviour on my behalf has the ability to go straight back to my family. Some of the young staff from work often go out together, either to house parties or out to clubs or pubs, and sometimes we are seen. One of the year 9 students asked me in front of the whole class if I had a good time at the pub on Friday night. One of my year 11 students came to school one Monday and told me that he saw me on Chapel Street on Friday night, walking with some people from work past his parents gelati shop.

In a way it isn’t a problem because the students know that you are only human and that you have a life (although sometimes it takes them a while to believe that you do have a life despite the fact that you are a teacher!). Although after our last house party, one of the AP’s saw some photos (none of which were at all incriminating) and jokingly warned me that I needed to be careful now that I was a teacher about how I behaved because there are people everywhere that might see you. Is this an appropriate warning? Should teachers have to exercise more discretion than people in other professions? Should we have to stay home, or shroud our personal lives in secrecy just so that there is no possible way that anyone connected with school sees us out in public and decides to talk about us? Are we not allowed to have a life out in public because other people might recognise us? How does a teacher split the notoriety of being a teacher inside the school, with the need for anonymity in life outside of school?

At the risk of sounding like I'm whingeing...

This year for me so far has been filled with difficult moments. Despite the most obvious difficulty, I have also been dealing with problems at work that I did not come across last year. Was last year some honeymoon period where I was kept in the dark and fed crap? Or am I just a little more wary this year? Has something changed in my work environment that is affecting changes on my sense of enjoyment this year?

Last year was a totally positive experience. I am not saying that I did not go through the problems of planning, classroom management, correction, meetings and all of the other million-and-one things that are all new in your first year, however, I just feel like last year was somehow easier than this year, like I enjoyed it more. I feel like everyone was happier last year – this year there is more whingeing and less satisfaction in general. At the moment I am grappling with why.

It seems that because I am no longer a first year teacher, I am no longer getting the support and encouragement that I was afforded last year from the Principal class. It seems like last year I spent heaps of time with one of the AP’s who encouraged me and gave me the positive feedback that reassured me that I was doing a good job. This year, despite having a considerably heavier workload, I am not getting any of the encouragement or feedback that might give me some indication of how I am going, or at least how the school admin perceives me to be going.

But there may be any number of reasons for this lack of support. Perhaps the school feels that I have ‘been there and done that’ and that I don’t need the sort of support that I had last year. Perhaps the focus has shifted to the new first year teachers and there is no more time for me. Perhaps the reason is that the AP who I spent a lot of time with lost a good friend (one of our colleagues) to cancer only a couple of months ago and is still not back to being herself. Or maybe she is feeling more pressure this year due to changes in the AP positions. Maybe the school environment has changed. Maybe it is busier. There seem to be more interruptions. There are curriculum changes and new building programs and funding for learning centres that are adding pressure to people’s roles. Certainly I am hearing more complaining and it is getting me down.

Or maybe the person who has changed is me. Maybe I am so busy that I am burying my head in the proverbial sand trying to get on with my work and avoid dealing with unnecessary drivel. Maybe the other stuff that is going on in my life at the moment is taking up a lot of my energy and this is the reason why I often feel flat this year. Maybe I am not talking as much as I did and sharing my thoughts and seeking out support and that is why I feel unsupported.

I think that the question remains though. When has a teacher been teaching long enough to not need support? Does the system only support beginning teachers through their first year? When something like 40% of new teachers do not even make it through their first 5 years of teaching, (does anyone have actual stats on this stuff
‘cause I would be interested to know) does something in the system need to change to stop young teachers from feeling like they have been left to fend for themselves in a sometimes hostile environment?

Insecurity is not a dirty word

Well it is 11.08 on Sunday night and because I don’t have the internet at my new place ( I don’t even have a home phone actually!) I am blogging into a word document and will post this blog at school on Tuesday. I am sitting here tonight thinking about the possibility of starting a blog about my life outside school and I have realised that my life outside of school is inextricably linked with my life inside school and the issues and problems that I talk about in this blog are generally common to both anyway. So I guess that this blog with now attempt to bridge the gap between both. You will now get the whole me, and not just the “trying to be academic” me!

One thing that has been playing on my mind recently is the issue of insecurity. I guess that ending a 7 1/2 year relationship has brought the issue of insecurity to the fore in my life at the moment. I have always been a confident person. I have always had a healthy ego (that I don’t think gets away from me too often!) and I guess that I have always felt secure in myself. Now, although nothing about me has changed but my personal status, I am feeling a little insecure. I am questioning myself a little more than usual. I am more conscious of the way that I act and the things that I do and who I am friends with because I am a little more worried about what people think about me. It is funny in a way, because being single for the first time in my adult life has made me worry about what people think about me and it is making me a little paranoid.

Strange huh? I am worried about my friends getting sick of me now that I spend more time with them. In my rational mind I know that they would just tell me if they were sick of me and that they wouldn’t invite me over if they didn’t want to see me, but in my paranoid mind, I feel like I am becoming a burden. I have taken to avoiding my best friend at school because he is male and I am worried about what people might think about the amount of time we spend together. When really this is the time in my life when I need more support than ever before, I am concerned about what people think, and so I am worried about spending too much time with any one person. It is a strange and new phenomenon for me, dealing with my own little insecurities and I find myself psychoanalysing myself! But it also makes me think about the universal issues with insecurity at work.

At our school at the moment are 3 first year teachers who are dealing with the sort of professional insecurities that I dealt with last year, and that every teacher deals with all the time. Teaching is a notoriously lonely profession. No matter what is said or done outside of the classroom, when the door of that classroom shuts, it is you and your class and often you feel as though the things that you are experiencing are only happening to you. You can feel as though you are out on the edge of a cliff that no one has ever stood on before and that there is no where to turn for advice on whether or not the cliff is too high to jump off, or if there is water below to break your fall.

Exams have caused a stir amongst the first years this last week, as they have been dealing with marking exams for the first time, and cross-marking with other teachers, and finding out that their students have done better or worse than they expected. And I guess in a lot of ways I am in the same situation with my Year 12 Sacs. I have to cross mark with another teacher, I felt that my students didn’t do as well on this sac as I would have liked and I find myself questioning myself and my methods.

Perfectionism seems to be a quality found in a lot of teachers, none more so than myself, and I am also speaking for a couple of the first year teachers as well. Perfectionism has both an upside and a downside. The upside is that as perfectionists we are constantly striving to do better and to be better at our jobs and to do the best for our students, and we are never happy to rest on our laurels. However the downside to this is that you find yourself questioning yourself constantly and thinking over what you have done and said and what you could have done differently. I find myself constantly questioning myself and whether or not I am good enough to be teaching year 12s. Sometimes I feel like a fraud- like I am playing the part of a teacher and that pretty soon someone who is actually qualified for the job will come and relieve me.

Teaching is a profession that can play on your insecurities. There is no other career where you are scrutinised every day by over 100 different people, each of whom spend at least 45 minutes noting your every move, listening to every word, noticing that you dried your hair with a hair-dryer and not a straightener, or that you are wearing the same pants for the second time in the week, or that you have worn the same top two Tuesdays in a row. How does one survive such insecurity and personal uncertainty? You tell me.

Report Time again!

Can I begin my blog by saying "I have not started my reports!!" and am I worried? No! But is everyone else? It seems so!
This time of the year at my school is an interesting one. It seems that when the pressure is on there are those who just get on with it and then there are those who let everyone else know exactly what they are up to and why their lot is worse than anyone elses.
And then there is me! Instead of writing my reports in this, my first free period all week with no correction, I am sitting here blogging instead! (well I do have lost time to make up for!)
It is interesting to watch how different people deal with the stress of this time of the year though.
There are the "oh woe is me" bunch, who waste time that they could be using, complaining that they possibly cannot do the exam supervision that is scheduled in a period that they normally teach in, because they have "too much to do."
Then there is the "this report writing system is ridiculous" group, who have limited computer skills and find the 'tick-box' system of report writing all too hard.
Then there are the "where the hell did my reports go" group, who somehow save one report pad over another and lose a whole class worth of reports. This group inevitably surface on the day that reports are to be printed off and run crying down the corridoors mourning their lost reports.
Then there are the "I have finished my reports already" group who only add to the tension and the apprehension of the "oh woe is me" bunch by making them feel that they must be dismally behind the 8 ball.
At this time of the year I try to keep my head in my i-pod, not only so that I do not have to listen to the complaints, but also so that no-one tries to get me to help them with any computer problems! So maybe I fit into the "anti-social" group who keeps to themselves and doesn't get involved in the staffroom dramas. Or is the "anti-social" group anyone under 25? Or even 30? Or anyone who doesn't complain at least 4 times a day?
Maybe the administration have the answer to everyone's problems: lollies and chocolate biscuits provided for free in the staffrooms.
Maybe one day it will be free relaxation MP3's for i-pods at this time of the year.
Maybe one day they will have a cone of silence Maxwell Smart style that I can stick my head in at this time of the year.
...maybe i really am anti-social...

I’m Back… but for how long no one can tell!

Despite the fact that I thought that nobody even read my blogs, my friends have drawn my attention to the fact that my blogging has been sadly lacking of late. There are many reasons for this. Around the time of my last blog (just after returning from the central trip) I broke up with my fiancée. It was my decision after I came to the realisation that I loved him, but was not in love with him (something I think that is an important distinction to make). We lived in our unit together for 3 weeks (me in the spare room) until I found a place to live and I have now been in my new unit (renting) with my 19-year-old brother for nearly 3 weeks and I am settling in nicely.

I guess for the first 5 weeks of this term I felt like I was simply surviving through each day, going through the motions, sitting at my desk but getting nothing done and avoiding going back to the unit that I was still sharing with my now-ex-fiancée. I did not have the head-space for half of the things that school expects of me and that I expect of myself and I found myself in survival mode. Unfortunately I don’t really think that school is the sort of environment that is necessarily conducive to survival mode. Don’t get me wrong – I did survive, and everything is relatively back on track now, but looking back on the last 5 weeks, I wonder how I did survive. My year 12’s were what really stressed me out. Teaching the creation of the new society in Russia after the revolution for the first time having lost a week of my holidays on Central and then the second week breaking up with my fiancée meant that I had not planned my classes to the level where I felt confident and competent. And when you wake up in the morning feeling ill-prepared and stressing about the day to come, it really takes its toll on you. Because I was also still dealing with the issues that come with a break-up, trying to concentrate at work or on work in order to learn the content myself proved almost impossible. Some days all I needed was to talk to people and so when I wasn’t teaching that is what I did. Despite my overriding desire to soldier on, sometimes you also need to take time out for yourself and I did that too whenever I could.

This week though I feel like I am getting my life (and my brain!) back. I have done my Year 7 correction and this weekend will work on my Year 12 Sacs and the first ½ of my Year 11 Macbeth essays before the second class finish and then the two classes do their exams. To top it all off it is report writing season at our school and the stress for everyone is not writing the reports but getting 10 weeks of assessment done in 6 ½ weeks in order to have it corrected in time to go on the reports in week 7. This season at school really brings out the whingeing too and so to combat the incessant sooking that is going on at my school I have taken to plugging into my i-pod before school, after school and at any other moment when I am sitting at my desk and likely to hear the complaints. The only downside to this anti-social behaviour is that I cannot hear when there is a student at the door of our office, even when someone calls out to me! The student that spent 5 minutes standing at the door waiting for me yesterday when I had no idea he was there was less than impressed with my i-pod excuse! We are only up to week 6 and counting though so the complaining is sure to be combined shortly with the devastation that ensues when some gammy who cannot use the report program saves over their reports with another class, or somehow performs some other strange function which deletes their reports. Was that really bitchy! Oh well! The drama of it all! There is something to be said for those people who just shut their trap and get the hell on with it! The serenity!

Central Australia- The good, the bad & the ugly

Many people would not think that 2 weeks on a bus touring SA and the NT with 92 students would be a fun way to spend 1/2 of your school holidays. I however, disagree! Despite the hours of bus travel (including the 22 hour express trip home from Coober Pedy!) the Central Trip was fantastic. We saw some amazing sites, walked some gruelling tracks (stay away from Wilpena Pound!) and got to know some fantastic students, none of which I had met before we left. I also had the chance to consolidate new friendships and old ones, and got to know all of the staff better than I previously had. This is probably one of the few perks of teaching - a free trip interstate and as I had never been before, I had a fantastic trip and was amazed at the sights.
We travelled the Oodnadatta track, saw Wilpena Pound, Standley Chasm, Alice Springs, Royal Flying Doctors, School of the Air, Kings Canyon, Ayers Rock, The Olgas, Coober Pedy and lots more - none of which I can remember without getting up to get the itinerary and I can't be bothered doing that!
Early on in the trip the other bus (we were a 2 bus convoy) was run off the road by a ute driver who had fallen asleep at the wheel and was heading straight toward the bus. Driver had to make the decision to run off the road and onto an embankment in order to narrowly miss the ute. Although the ute driver woke up just as he was level with the bus and swerved, he only just missed the back of the bus and trailer. Could easily have been a fatality - and made me more vigilant with my seatbelt for the rest of the trip.
Apart from that no real dramas.
Highlight: Kings Canyon - easy walk, amazing views and landscape and brilliant company - thanks Bec!
Lowlight: A certain staff member who was an embarrassment the whole trip, and me missing out on seeing Ayers Rock due to an unscheduled trip to the Flying Doctors for a student who had cut her toe and needed 3 stitches. Whilst the other 91 students and staff visited the rock, we were visiting the flying doctors! All the way to Central Australia and the closest I get to the rock is one of the lookouts at Yulara! Oh well, for me there is always next year- the student who missed out doesn't get the second chance.
22 hour bus trip home was an ordeal. I have never had to sleep on a bus before and frankly, I am not good at it! Got home and slept for 6 hours then slept that night from 9.30 to 7 in the morning and am feeling better for it!
Might write more later - for now, essays call and I only have 5 days left to correct them and get my planning organised!

Central bound!

Just a short blog as already my eyes are hanging out of my head (did I just have 5 days off?) and tomorrow we leave for Central Australia. Left our holiday destination at 1.30 today for what should have been a 3.5 hour trip. Due to an ill-placed booze bus that slowed public holiday long weekend traffic to a crawl, we didnt get home until 6.30 meaning that all of my last minute central preparations (including doing washing from the weekend and having it dry by tomorrow) were pushed back later than I would have liked. However - all I need to focus on now is two weeks of fun in the sun (and near 40 degree heat) of central australia with 92 year 10's. Despite the sarcasm I am actually looking forward to it! I will try to keep a diary whilst I am there and then post it here when I get back but I won't have much internet access as I am going.
signing out for two weeks...

A new excitement

Well exciting things are happening at school at the moment! Apart from the fact that tomorrow I teach my last class for the term (I am leaving after Easter for Central Australia with the year 10s for 2 weeks) we had a meeting last night about the Leading Schools Funding that our school has received and it sounds like a fantastic thing to be involved in.
The school has been provided with substantial funding, for new purpose-built wings to be added to the school that contain ICT rich environments and open learning spaces to trial a new program with the Year 9's involving rich tasks that are cross-curricular and student focussed. As the use of ICT in schools has been an interest of mine (thanks IS) I thought it would be a fantastic project to be involved in, and so wrote an expression of interest, which was taken up, and a team of around 20 of us had a meeting last night with the principals and talked about the possibilities and about what we invisioned.
It seems like most of us were on the same page in terms of what we would like to see in terms of facilities, and programs, and as the program will be aimed at year 9, we looked at all of the things that we are doing well at year 9 as well as all of the things we could be doing better.
In terms of my own professional growth and learning this project is a fantastic thing to be involved in, and I am hoping to be taking on as big a role as they are prepared to give me. At the moment nothing is concrete, but from what i heard at the meeting last night I am really excited about the possibilities of working in teams designing interesting and innovative curriculum that incorporates ICT in an authentic way into the learning process.
I am also thinking of the possibilities of somehow using my involvement in this project as a basis for an honours thesis or something, because I have been thinking about going back to uni part time in the next couple of years, and the authentic use of ICT in the classroom is one of the things I have been interested in researching and discussing. This might be the perfect opportunity for me to combine what I am doing at school with what I hope to be doing at uni because I think that study is more relevant if it is related to your every day working life. So I am going to email some of my uni contacts to see what they think and what the possibilities might be for study next year. Maybe that way I can get some reading done early. But I don't really know if and how that will work at this stage so I had better keep myself thinking small until I am given the go-ahead to think big.
At this stage I am really excited about the possibilities to be exciting and innovative. If this is done well, and if we take risks and are daring with what we do, then the possibilities are endless. I am concerned that some people might be too conservative when it comes to making changes, but we can wait and see I guess. For now, I will contain my excitement to my blog!

Perhaps I have been too harsh?

I have been thinking since the last time I blogged that perhaps I have been whingeing just a little too much about history and how difficult it is to work with someone who is very different to you. I guess that part of the reason that I complain about it so much and that it effects me so much is because of the fact that I feel like I don't know as much as I should. I feel like I should be the expert, and for this year I won't be, I am just learning as I go too. But that makes things hard. Because I don't feel that the other teacher I am working with is 100% up on the new course outline, I feel uncertain about everything, and this compounds the problems that I have with working with said person. I feel like I have to be totally up with everything so that I can keep her on the 'straight-and-narrow' when she should be acting as a mentor to me, teaching me how she does things and what she knows. Unfortunately that is not the way that the relationship works at all, which makes it harder for me because I have to go elsewhere to get my advice. Networking is a wonderful thing though!
I also have spent more time with said history teacher and have found out that really she is as unsure of things at school as I am about things with History. She worries about whether or not she will have a job next year, and is trying to adjust to a very different expectation and work ethic at this school compared to what she was used to last year. All of these things mean that I really need to be more understanding and less judgemental so that is my aim for now.

Enough about that. Getting very excited! I have only 2 classes left with my Year 12's, 3 with my Year 7s and a similar number with my year 11's before the end of the term! With easter this next weekend, school finishes on Wednesday for the students and Thursday for us, with a lovely long weekend ahead of me of sailing, knee-boarding and fun in the sun. Then I get home from the easter weekend away on Monday night, only to leave at 6.30 the next morning for a 2 week year 10 central australia trip! Can't wait, but I have so much to do between now and then, including getting my packing done. I have just organised my holiday homework for the 7s and 12s and I am a bit excited about having a holiday (well two actually!) It should be great fun!
Anyway I am not really talking about anything exciting at the moment so I will go and get ready for my Sunday history lecture at melb uni! Yay!

Trying not to be so slack!

Well here I am trying to lift my average blog from once a month to something a bit more regular. I am actually sitting in my Year 11 English class and the students are doing an essay on Lord of the Flies so I have some time up my sleeve. Have been thinking about the Early Career Teachers conference on Friday - trying to work out what I was going to talk about in my role as a panel member, and it got me in a reflective mood (but sorry Scott, I still haven't finished writing out my notes).
School at the moment is all of these things: interesting, exhausting, difficult and new. My year 12's have their first SAC tonight after school and I think that there is a strong possibility that I am more nervous than them. The shoes of the history teacher who I took over from this year are big shoes to fill, and I am concerned that our marks will not be good enough. Last year there were several perfect study scores in History, but I think that this year the result might not be so good. But then we all know what I am like with trying to be perfect and worrying when I think my efforts fall short. I know that in the end all I can do is teach them what they need to know and point them in the right direction and that it is up to them to make the most of the year.
I am also finding it difficult to find a balanced way to work with the other history teacher. It is important that we are in close contact about what we are teaching and the sources we are using, but we are very opposite in both our teaching styles and in the way we go about things, and so it is difficult for us to reach a common middle ground. This SAC that we are giving them tonight was not written early enough for my liking, and so I am feeling like we are all under-prepared, and I can't work like that. So even though it is another 7 weeks until the next SAC is due to be done, I will be insisting that it is written much earlier, so that there is not the type of rush that there has been this time around. It is just very difficult to get my colleague on task and organised to get things finished. But in a lot of ways this colleague is dealing with a lot; new school, new subjects and a whole new culture, so in a lot of ways I understand, but it does not make it any easier to get things done with her!
That is one of the things that is difficult about this year - dealing and working closely with new staff members who do not necessarily share the same ideas as you, or the same work ethic and with who you are writing assessment, planning curriculum and cross-marking. I am finding it very hard to feel on top of things when a lot of my time is spent waiting on things. I guess that some of that comes from my anally organised nature - I like to be able to plan ahead, but when I am relying on another teacher to be able to do that then that is a bit of a problem.
Anyway, enough of the whingeing. My double is coming to a close and some of the students have finished off their writing task and are getting restless so I better sign off here.
Off to the SAC I go - so so nervous!

Such a slacker!

After much procrastination, here I am again, back in the bloggers chair. It's not that I don't want to blog - I think about it a couple of times a week. But the reality of my life at the moment is that I don't know what my desk looks like (other than to say that it is a total mess) because I get to sit at it for around 30mins a day if I am lucky. That sounds pretty normal, you say? It might be normal if I was only at school from 8.30 till 3.30, but my school day at the moment starts at 7.30 and ends at 5.30. I am getting very little work done at school other than some photocopying and it seems that my days consist largely of me teaching, running around like a chook with my head cut off and sitting in meetings. Add to that a large dose of wedding planning (have finally set a date and booked a venue) and I am pretty tired and pretty pinched for spare time.
But, having said that, life at the moment (school included) is good. My Year 7's are adorable (and we are at week five so normally their cuteness would have started to wear off by now!), I adore both of my year 11 classes and my year 12's (despite seriously keeping me on my toes) also seem to be doing the work that I am asking of them and so should do well on thier first sac in a week and a half. My english classes (7's and 11's) are just fantastic in terms of me knowing the content and having taught it all before which makes it so easy. This is leaving time for me to worry about my year 12's. Teaching year 12 for the first time, I am putting so much pressure on myself to help my students achieve. I know that only they can learn the content and do the work but you really wish as a teacher that you could ensure the success of all of your students, because you take it as almost a personal defeat if they fail (and despite knowing that is a ridiculous way to think), you do feel like the eyes of the school are on you checking if you are doing a good job.
Because I had the double trouble of having to learn the content myself, I feel like I am only now coming to grips with the course and the content. It seems though, that when you are down or worried, things can go one of two ways - your class will flop, making you feel infinitely worse about the situation and yourself, or your class will be a big success, restoring your faith in the fact that the year 12's are doing the work you are setting and that they are listening to the things you say. The latter happened to me in my double with the 12's on friday afternoon so for the weekend I feel renewed, relieved and maybe even rejuvenated somewhat.
But I will go back to school on Monday, with my head so full of the classes i will be teaching for the day and the memos that I need to write and the emails that I should be sending that I will forget about the meeting that I have on until 2 minutes before hand or I will forget about the dinner that I am organising for Saturday night with my friends (even if we plan it on Friday). I need to get some sort of diary organised because at the moment I can't remember anything for longer than 2 minutes and I am concerned that I will start offending my friends by forgetting to turn up to the functions they have organised. Is this normal or am I a headless (brainless) freak!?
On life outside of school, I actually had some time today to do some gardening which is great because the weeds were literally bigger than some of the plants and I was beginning to think that they had taken over for good. I am also managing to keep up some semblance of an exercise routine which has really been great for my bad back and my sanity! Spent last weekend looking at wedding venues, cooked dinner for the mothers (mine and future-mother-in-law) on Wednesday night to discuss venues and plans, drove back to Arthurs Seat on Thursday in between school and a school function starting at 7 to show said mums the venue and have booked, which means the procrastinating is over and the wedding will happen in March next year! Crazy times ahead!
I am sensing a theme with me and procrastination. Maybe I should do something to make myself more decisive? Maybe I will just think about it for a little bit...

That Demon Doubt again

Here's the deal. Today I went and spent some time with the person that I am teaching history with this year to get a few things organised. I left feeling exhausted, and that there wasn't enough hours left in the holidays for me to get my head around all the stuff I still need to do. I feel as though I haven't really had a holiday as it is (although I have done a lot of catching up with friends and that has been really good) and that time is just ticking away from me. I am sure that I will feel better in the morning but this blog thing is supposed to be recording how i am feeling and what I am thinking so I guess even the bad has to be talked through as well.
Don't get me wrong, the woman that I am teaching history with is lovely and she knows her stuff but we are very different and I think that our teaching styles are very different. She has also never taught history with anyone else so I think that she is looking forward to having someone else to run ideas by and to work on things with, but in a way I felt like she also wanted to do everything together, and I had to keep impressing on her the point that we can teach the content differently as long as we are teaching the same content and doing the same SACs. I feel like I am about to embark a battle when really all I want to do is do my own thing. I am not sure of anything yet really in terms of how I am going to approach things, but this woman has a few years of teaching the subject behind her, and fairly ingrained ideas and predispositions about how she teaches it. Some of the things she is talking about arent even in the study guide as things that we are supposed to teach, and so then I question whether I really know enough to be doing this.
I think I need to talk to S (the guy that I am taking over from) and find out what he thinks about a few things and how he has done things. He has a proven track record in terms of both inspriring the students and achieving great results with them so i would like to base my approach and content on what he does. In the meantime I guess I just have to have faith in myself and my ability and keep doing things the way that I think and that works for me.
One of my main concerns though is that I just do not know the content well enough. I know that will come in time but I feel that these kids dont have time and that i should know everything for them now.
I guess I am just having a momentary freakout and I am probably entitled to one!
Again though, sitting here isnt getting the job done so I might get back to it and email S at the same time and organise to catch up. I am sure he will put my mind at ease...